I have chosen the next post for this series on relationships to be on Encouragement. This ties well into the second point given in my last post - choose not to complain - uplift.
The word "encourage" means to inspire with courage, spirit or confidence. Other words to describe "encourage" could be: approval, assistance, promote, urge, support, hearten and reassure to name a few. The word's history dates back to the 15th century with EN being to "make/put in" then CORAGE being "courage" as known today: the quality of mind/spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger or pain without fear; also known as bravery. (dictionary.com) So when torn apart as such and then pieced back together encourage essentially means to help someone become brave through your belief in them.
Can you think of a better person to encourage than your spouse/significant other? Hint: you should not have another suggestion, for if you do, perhaps this is the very reason your relationship may not be all you want it to be. I have recently heard a couple speakers, over the past holiday season, state that to be happy is to give happy to others. Have you ever noticed the feeling you get when you give someone an awesome gift and they love it so much? Notice how you are happier in those moments than you could be with any gift you receive. Well, as Florence Littauer states so perfectly, our words should be like little silver boxes with bows on top - being used only to edify, uplift and encourage; and never to put down others.
I am very blessed and fortunate to have a very encouraging husband (Matt). I know that he believes in me, loves me for who I am and accepts me even when I make mistakes. Mistakes, when you are married no longer become "your" mistakes, or shouldn't be viewed as such. When one fails the other should go down gracefully and uplift and encourage you both back up. The one who failed knows they have failed, they aren't stupid; so why kick them while they are down, because that only brings the entire relationship down with the failure. Instead by encouraging through the tough time you can assure your mate that it really doesn't matter what happened, you vowed to be there with and for them through it all - afterall, life IS the journey. Matt is amazing at this. I however, not so much; I'm still learning and growing.
"A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success." - Unknown.
I have learned a few lessons in our two years of marriage so far; after attending seminars on leadership and personal development, reading multiple books, listening to audios and most importantly associating with ladies who have strong relationships with their husbands. Through some of this experience I have developed my own four step process to learning to becoming more encouraging towards your spouse. As I have stated previously, I write these blogs in an effort to teach myself along the way; so I can assure you, you are not alone on this journey!
Step 1. Say Nothing Negative. We were given two ears and one mouth. Now you may have always wondered why, so here it is: Use them in that proportion! This is probably one of the most valuable things I have learned. As I stated in my last blog, say only a small portion of the things you think, especially if you are unsure if they are positive or negative! Do not say anything negative to your mate, or about your mate; either to them or to others. Every negative thing you say to your mate cancels about about 10 to 20 positive things you have previously said. So its your choice, you can say what you think and create work for yourself or you can "shut it" and truck along to higher grounds in the relationship field!
Step 2. Find Good. You married (or started dating) this person for a reason, likely quite a few really; especially considering you plan to spend the rest of your life with them. So there ARE some really great reasons you chose your mate; dive into your memory and heart and dig up those things. Remind your spouse of them regularly. Most importantly, do not wait for them to do something spectacular to praise and encourage them, find good in everyday things; ignore the bad (read Whale Done for encouragement on this!). Make your spouse feel you value and appreciate their work. But remember, it has to be genuine and sincere; for as the quote above states flattery is not believable. Try to identify great character qualities your spouse has as well as speaking highly of his/her deeds. I agree that sometimes it can be hard to think of things off the top of your head, or in the spur of the moment, etc. So here are some examples of the character qualities I value, respect and love in my husband (Matt). There are many, but here are a few that come to mind right away.
Matt is honest, loyal and devoted to himself, to me and to everyone. I respect his strength and persistence along with his vision and virtue. He is selfless, thoughtful and very intelligent. Matt has a very analytical mind and has an immense amount of patience that everyone should learn from! I respect his faith in himself, in me, in others and in knowing we are placed here to fulfill a bigger purpose. There are so many more reason I love and respect this man; I hope this helped to inspire you to find and remember all the amazing character qualities your spouse has, too!
Step 3. Edify in Public. Our society has become very corrupt in this area, and all for the means of a bit of entertainment (if you want to call it that). TV shows all portray relationships almost as living jokes. The wife makes fun of the husband in front of family and friends, etc. The husband talks low of the wife. Vicious circle spiraling into divorce. This is programming our minds to act the same way in our own relationships. My point here is we need to actively aspire to edify, uplift, speak well of, and encourage our mate to others. Not in a sense of bragging, but just speak the truth when the moment presents itself - whether your mate is present during the conversation or not you are making a lasting affect on your relationship. Believe what you say and say what you believe; what's more important to you anyways? A long, loving and lasting relationship with your spouse or 1-2 minutes of laughter from others at your spouse's expense - which creates even more damage in your relationship. Think long and hard the next time you want to tell that "funny story" about your spouse. Is it something you would enjoy them sharing about you in public?
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." - Mark Twain
Step 4. Continuous Learning & Growth. This one will take a bit more effort and searching on your part. Choose to read books that will lay a good foundation in your mind for a healthy relationship. Yes, I agree walking into Chapters or any other book store can be overwhelming when you have no idea where to start; so seek someone on the same or similar journey as you and ask for book recommendations. Any fool can write a book, and most do. But why would you take relationship advice from someone who has been divorced? Nothing against divorce, I understand in a very small number of circumstances it may be necessary, however its hogwash to think that the current 50%+ divorce rate is all necessary circumstances. So seek from someone with whom you would like to aspire to become more like. A few great books to start with include: 5 Love Languages, Personality Plus, Love & Respect, For Women Only, For Men Only, and a classic How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Your marriage or relationship is all that you have made it, so far. Yes perhaps your mate hasn't been contributing as much as he/she should be either. But you have two choices (you are an adult FYI); choose to start creating a more positive you by only speaking words of encouragement to your spouse; or continue with what you are doing and perhaps end up a statistic. I assure you once you start to encourage your spouse more regularly you will see a difference in your relationship; not overnight granted - all change takes time. So all the best for your journey, I am here for you!
Keep Dreaming,
M
